You all know Moms goal was to make it to her 56th Birthday. She also wanted to make sure Micheal and Skylar had a new car and the funeral paid for. Well, they settled with insurance on Friday, bought a new car Saturday and made funeral arrangements Monday. On Wednesday we all celebrated 56 years of a beautiful life! As you all know I posted how excited I was. I felt invincible...
Thursday, she went to hospice for a week of RR. There she can just relax and be taken care of. Friday, she fell ill, very ill. I received the call Saturday that she was in a Coma and not responding. Dr.s thought she would have at least a week. I booked a flight for Sunday morning. Tiff came to give me hug and just be there. Good thing she was, Amy (my sil) called and said I should come asap. So the rush began. Tiff booked me a new flight and I was off within an hour. Long and crazy airport story, but I got on a flight! I had a brief 15 min lay over in Denver. I called my Dad, Micheal, Raf, etc. Everything seemed to be going well. I prayed the whole hour long flight. I prayed she would wait, I sat on that plane imaging me holding her hand, telling her I love her, telling her what an amazing Mom she had been, loving her, kissing her, smelling her, praying to her, and then telling her she can go, go be with Jesus. God had another plan for me and her. She went peacefully about 20 min after my flight took off. You can imagine the shock I felt when I turned my phone on and it blew up...Wow, I thought look at all the people who want to make sure I got here safe, I am loved. I called Raf first, still on the plane. He was somber, and different. He hated to tell me my Mom had passed, while I was flying so close to Heaven. Did she touch my cheek? Did she hear my thoughts, my prayers? For the first time through this I was alone, and scared. I felt feelings I never could have imagined. I got off the phone and called Tiff, it broke my heart she felt so helpless for me and little did she know I just needed her voice. I then called my Uncle, he told me I had the task of telling my Dad. Imagine that? Married to the love of his life for 22 years, still heart broken over their divorce and I got to tell him...A sadness no one should feel.
We rushed to the hospice. I was still clinging that it was wrong, a mistake, she waited for me. Waited for her "baby girl" to tell her good bye. She did, in her own way. She was peaceful, skin transparent, soft, and she had a smirk...she knew I needed that little smirk, that little smile. I got to her around 11:30pm. I ran my fingers through her hair, kissed her sweet face, held her soft hand. I cried, I laughed, I looked trying to memorize her face, her sweet face. I was with her until 2am. I stayed and watched the Mortician take her away. The whole time I was there I kept hoping she would breath. I stayed and watch them put her in the dreaded body bag, I knew then she would not say my name again, not call and tell me how proud she was, or how much she loved me. I have yet to sleep, when will I? How do I?
Today, I was privileged enough to go with Amy, Steph, and my niece Maddie to pick her out a dress. A dress fit for a Queen. Nothing was good enough, nothing was right...and then we found it, the one. I am sad, scared, anxious, excited to see her in her final dress. I hope she approves. Shopping for Mom was a job! It is hard to shop for a living person, but who has passed is a whole other story. Our goal was to make sure she was as beautiful in death as she was in life!
Tomorrow, we will write her obituary. How will we do that? How do we fit a whole life into a tiny rectangle? Pray that I will do her proud!
I am sad, more sad than I have ever felt in my entire life. I am sad for many reasons and you all know most!
1 comment:
so honest, Anna. Thanks for sharing through this painful time. You know that we're all here for you...
Hugs... M
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